The Inner Troll and Repair Work

I think it’s easier for us to notice or guess at other people’s mixed motives than to look squarely and honestly at our own. Most of us like to have a decent opinion of ourselves. And what a constructive challenge, to retain that decent opinion, even when we catch ourselves in attitudes and behaviors that we don’t admire! Feeling good about yourself is especially difficult if you’ve been raised in an atmosphere that was abusive, neglectful, or any of the many shades of painful. Flawed humanity. What a concept, especially when it applies to me. If I see flaws in you, oh well. Usually I can deal with it, and sometimes I can even help with it. When I am surprised by my own selfishness, envy, deviousness, that’s harder. My internal troll shows herself when I try to disown her.
A few years ago, I wrote a poem about the inner troll. Here it is.

Take a Little Stroll

Take a little stroll to the ugly side,
An ugly side of self, petty and cranky,
Downright spiteful.
A chameleon, blending in:
Pink or powder blue, spangled with stars,
Bedecked with darling hearts,
Frozen still among good deeds,
Immobile, smiling,
So you won’t notice when
Ugly splatters good intentions
With a whiff of manure.
A bit of piss on the sandwich.
A smear of bile on the gift wrap.
Do you think you’re so different?
So awful?
Who says your inner troll
Is worse than mine?

A chunk of having good relationships with other people is to face up to one’s less attractive aspects. Remember a time that you behaved badly? Remorse? Fine. Some guilt? Fine. Anger? Fine. Self-hatred? Not fine. It goes nowhere useful. Repair work with the other person and with yourself? Excellent! Sometimes the attempted repairs with another person don’t resolve the problem, but at least you tried. I suppose that’s as good as it gets. And you have looked your own troll in the eye, and tried to form a more honest, cooperative relationship with him/her, and to understand where the negative energy is rooted. This makes the troll (who is really part of you) feel better, and less likely to jump out and sabotage things. My troll, whose name is Magdelena, is about nine years old, green, three feet high, round as a beach ball, and jumps up and down a lot. Her hair is orange and sticks straight up. Mostly, I keep her on a leash next to me, and we are both pretty happy. She likes it when I pay attention to how she feels. But if I ignore her, she can dredge up a wad of spit, and let it fly while I’m looking the other way.

Some years ago, I made some bad mistakes with a friend I valued.  I was oblivious to how hurt and angry my friend was, due to my insensitivity.  My insecurity and also taking the friendship for granted had fueled and supported my destructive behavior. My friend had contributed to the problem by never speaking up, and by holding grudges. When I realized the damage I had done, I did apologize, and try to make amends. Unfortunately, it was too late. Forgiveness did happen, but my friend no longer wanted to continue our connection. Sad about my own behavior, I wrote a song about a magical place of healing, where friends can come together with love, to heal their hurts. It’s called, “The Little Cafe.”

The Little Cafe