A Depressing, But Important Topic: Incest

People mostly don’t want to talk about incest. It’s hard enough to consider the extent of sexual abuse in general in our country (just read the news lately!), but incest is the largest betrayal of all and the least discussed. Family members are supposed to care for and protect the smaller, younger ones in the family. Home is supposed to be safe. But there are so many homes where the opposite is true. Parents, uncles, older siblings, cousins, can be active predators more often than we would like to believe. This certainly has happened in your own community, maybe even next door. Maybe this happened in your own home. If we can’t/won’t talk about something, won’t think about it, then we can’t deal with it. If we don’t deal, then consequently, we can’t heal. We also can’t protect others, because we are more likely to look the other way or be skeptical.

Healing comes from knowing what is true, experiencing the real emotions associated with the wounding, and discovering viscerally that we have actually survived the traumas. Then we can learn that love and trust does exist in the world and that we can experience both love and trust. Choices can improve as self-esteem rises. The shame a child or young person inevitably feels from having been victimized can be dissipated by knowing he or she was not at fault for existing and for being exploited. This is not a rational or intellectual exercise. It takes much help, many tears, fears, years, and much courage to face all of this and to stick with it until the healing actually happens.

I’ve written a song about incest. As a therapist and as a human being in this world,  just as vulnerable as anyone else, I think about these things. Sexual abuse has come up often in my 40 plus years working with clients. Sometimes it takes years before awareness of sexual abuse becomes conscious. The memories often are buried so deeply that the body itself gives clues long before the mind and soul is able to turn around and look. My song about incest is called, “Oh, the Children”. The lyrics speak for themselves. Be forewarned: there is nothing cheerful in this song.  But it rings true.

Oh, the Children